TITLE: I Need (1 of 1)
AUTHOR: Rhetta
RATING: PG
CLASSIFICATION: Vignette
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, just let me know.
FEEDBACK: pindaran@hotmail.com
SPOILERS: 'Gethsemane'
DISCLAIMER: Mulder, Scully, and The X-Files aren't mine. They
belong to Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox. You'd think they would treat
them a little nicer. I sure would.
SUMMARY: When I was young I dreamt of aliens.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Written for the After The Fact 'Gethsemane'
Episode Challenge.

**********

When I was young I dreamt of aliens. Silly, childish dreams full
of green-blooded Vulcans, Martians named Marvin and outer space
beings that were on their ninth plan.

I believed they were out there waiting for me to find them.

I believed I could find them.

Of course, I also believed that with enough practice I could get the
Vulcan nerve pinch to work. Maybe if Samantha had been a little more
helpful and a lot less quick on her feet I might have succeeded.

Deep down I always knew it was just a dream. Spock was just
a TV character, Marvin was just a cartoon, and 'Plan 9 From Outer
Space' was just a movie.

I never needed to believe they were real. I was happy with my life
the way it was. The dreams were only pleasant diversions.

The night Samantha was taken the dreams stopped and everything seemed
to blur together. From that point on it felt like I was living the
Cliff Notes version of life. Even now I can only seem to recall the
high points. Such as they were.

With age came a slowing down of events. The Cliff Notes were gone and
I was able to live my life from day to day. Every moment from then on,
the day I left for Oxford, the day I decided to join the FBI, even
the day I met Phoebe I can remember with crystal clarity.

The dreams of aliens never returned, but I didn't need them I didn't
need to believe. I had my work. I believed in that.

Then the nightmares began. Dark, horrific nightmares full of aliens
ripping Samantha out of our home while I just stood by helplessly. I
woke every night covered in sweat with my gun clutched in a death
grip.

I wanted to believe the nightmares weren't real. That Samantha was
somewhere safe and I could find her.

I needed to believe I could.

The nightmares still come. But Samantha's not alone anymore.
Scully's there with her. Pale and weak and looking at me with
accusing eyes. And they're both screaming for me to help save them.

I want to save them. I need to believe I can save them.

But all I do is stand there and watch them both scream. Helpless as
always.

I don't want to believe that Kritschgau is right. That everything
I've believed in has been a lie. That there are no aliens. That
Scully was given her cancer because of me.

I don't want to believe that. I can't.

I need to believe the Truth is still out there. I need to know it's
my Truth, not the one they've given to me.

I need to believe that I can find Samantha. That I can save Scully.

I need my dreams back. Even the silly, childish ones.