TITLE: Brainwashing For Dummies
AUTHOR: Rhetta
RATING: PG-13
CLASSIFICATION: Vignette, Mulder POV
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, just let me know.
FEEDBACK: pindaran@hotmail.com
SPOILERS: 'The Truth'
DISCLAIMER: Mulder and the rest of the 'X-Files' belong to
Chris Carter, 1013, and FOX. David Duchovny belongs to
himself. Think of this as a friendly loan.
SUMMARY: You can't mess with a mind that's already made up.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: A big thank you to Jenny and Silver for the
great beta help.

**********

They think they can break me. That through long bouts of sleep
deprivation, physical violence and mind games they will
eventually make me crack.

I wonder if any of these brain trusts even bothered to read my
file.

If that were all it took I would have cracked years ago.

That's not to say that they're somehow lacking in enthusiasm.
Not by a long shot. After my last little 'session' I spent
several excruciating minutes trying to pull in a full breath.

Then a few hours later, almost like clockwork, they came back
in to rough me up again and ask me what I was thinking.

Now I know I should have stopped ticking off the man with the
stick and just told him what he wanted to hear but I couldn't
help myself. The man was aching to be messed with and I'm a
man that loves to mess.

I calmly told him I was thinking that they really need to
update their brainwashing techniques.

When I finally got my breath back he had already left, which
was a good thing. What I was going to tell him next probably
would have got me killed.

It's not true though. Well, what I was going to tell him was
true. Funny even. Makes me smile just thinking about it in
fact. But it wasn't their pitiful attempts at brainwashing that
was on my mind.

Most of the time when I'm thinking it's about Scully. And
about our son. And what might have happened if I hadn't left.

Would I still be alive? Would Scully and William?

Would it have even made a difference?

Other times I just sit here in the darkness and wonder why they
even bothered to dig me up.

Right now though, I'm thinking about eating a whole bag of
sunflower seeds and throwing a ball to William.

Not at the same time. I mean, I'd pace myself. Start with the
seeds then move on to the game of catch.

Which, I will admit, is a ridiculous thing to spend time
pondering since I won't make it out of this alive to do either.

I knew when I left her and William a year ago that I probably
wouldn't be coming back. I accepted it as a consequence of
keeping them safe. I couldn't tell her that of course. It's
hard to fit in 'Oh by the way, next time you see me most
likely I'll be dead.' into everyday conversation.

Even our form of everyday conversation.

I should have known I wouldn't have had to. That she already
knew.

"What if you don't come back," she had said. "What if you die
again, only this time for good." She clutched William to her
like a lifeline. Like he was the only thing keeping her head
above water.

I shrugged and attempted a smile. "Then I'll just have to haunt
you Scully. I'll be your own personal X-File, following you
and William around for the rest of your days. Won't the other
Feds be jealous?" I had said it lightly, intending it as a
joke.

At the time neither one of us found it amusing.

Now after all I've learned it's the closest thing I've got to
hope. Because despite what Scully once told me, I believe some
people don't get a happy ending.

Not in this life anyway. Maybe not in any of the others.

I think the best some people can hope for is a lifetime of
haunting the ones they love.

That and a bag of sunflower seeds.

You can always hope for sunflower seeds.